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Horoscopes below!
Today’s Birthdays:
Mother Teresa – 201
Jimmy Clitheroe – 9
Prince Harry about – 20
Cliff Richards – 77
Englebert Humpaduck – 98 |
| What the stars have in
store for you! |
CAPRICORN
Dec 21– Jan 19
This next week is a bit of a funny one for you. If I were you I'd keep touching wood and hoping. And I mean proper wood. Not your head or Formica. Neither of which are. Particularly your head. People do that for a joke and I wish they wouldn't. Lucky number 38 or 39 (My crystal balls went misty). |
AQUARIUS
Jan 20 – Feb 17
Aquarius’es can sometimes be a bit lazy. With the moon in the House of Usher, it's time to get out of bed and start stopping doing that. My mother used to shout up I had a letter. That always got me out of bed. Don't put off doing today what you can put off doing tomorrow. Favourite colour - khaki, brownish, mucky colour. |
PISCES Feb
18 – Mar 19
Stark raving mad, you lot. When you’re not howling at the moon, you're up all night with insomnia. Perhaps you should try marrying a Aquarius? You never know, you might cancel each other out. Favourite day - Tuesday. |
ARIES
March 20 – April 19
The Bull. And just like a bull you are the most obstinate card in the pac...Just a minute, that’s Taurus, is the bull...All Aries will have to read Taurus. That’s your one for this time. I’ll do it the proper way round next time I do this. I haven’t got the time this week. Favourite author - Jilly Cooper Clark. |
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
The sign of the Lion. And just like a lion, you like nothing better than the sound of your own voice. Why don’t you shut up for once and give the rest of us a chance. And stop tapping your head instead of wood. You can be really irritating at times...I meant sign of the Bull. Favourite soup - tomato. |
GEMINI May
21 – June 20
A family wedding or coach trip to Carlisle may be on the cards. Make sure you put on clean underwear and socks before leaving the house on Thursday. If any Gemini’s think they may have a kidney disorder, go to the doctors. I don’t know anything about your kidneys. This is the horrorscope page you’ve come to. Favourite singing duo - Millican and Nesbit. |
CANCER June
21 – July 21
With both the Sun and the Moon in the sky at the moment,if you’ve never had a holiday before now could be the ideal time to plan a trip to Butlins on Barry Island. Why not take the family for the weekend of 22 March, for very best in entertainment. You never know you might get to touch me personally if I happen to be there doing my tribute show to Frank Sinatra that weekend. Favourite material - Cavalry Twill. |
LEO
July 22 – Sept 21
Like a pride of lions you take great pride in all you do and this could be your downfall, if you don’t watch it. The hyena’s are just waiting for you to make a mistake so they can run off with one of the antelopes’s legs. If you didn’t think you knew everything, you could learn something from David Attenborough’s softly, softly approach to it all. Favourite wrestling hold - the Boston Crab. |
VIRGO
Aug 23 – Sept 21
One of the Gorgons. Don’t walk under any ladders this week. With your luck you’ll probably end up with the window cleaners bucket on your head. Not a week for the faint hearted Virgo. In fact if I was you I’d stop in and not touch anything electrical. Mind you it might be a gas main that goes up. So you know...Good luck with it all anyway. Favorite domestic appliance - the iron. |
LIBRA Sept
22 – Oct 22
With the dual aspect of Saturn in the Topic of Cancer it looks like it’s time to sort out all those little jobs you’ve been putting off all year. Like pruning that bloody tree if you live next door to me, for instance. I told you this morning! Get it sorted out before I bring the full wrath of the Citizens Advice Bureau down on you. Favourite time - Half past four in the afternoon. |
SERPICO Oct
23 – Nov 21
The Lobster. I see a tall dark and handsome man who you listen to. You seem to be buying one of his CD’s of his wonderful radio show of his he does, on the Radio 4. Be sure to tell all your friends to get one as well and good luck will follow you always. Favourite Radio Show - modesty forbids etc... |
SAGITTARIUS
Nov 22 – Dec 20
I forget what it’s name is but it’s a man that looks like a horse with a bow and arrow. A Cyclops or something. My crystal balls tells me that you should expect a letter that will bring you some news which may or may not be welcome to you, depending on what you think about it. Weigh up all the factors before you make a decision and you won’t go far wrong or right. Favourite watch - Timex. |
